Here follows the tale of Captain Haddock and The Sirens.
"The most peculiar set of events has just befallen me and I am in a semi form of shock! The story starts in a most ordinary manner when I was strolling through the Norwich Mall after a pleasant meander! As sauntered through the mall a sales lady walked up to me and asked for a moment of my time . . . little did I know that she was springing the trap. So not wanted to be a prat I obliged by walking over to her stall. She asked me to put my hands in a dish and started washing my hands with this crystal stuff. Then she dry s them and gives the jargon on their 'extraordinary' properties. Of course I'm half dazed . . . like a shy wilder beast being caught off guard by a Lioness. Then she says if I have a girlfriend and again not too look a prat in front of this pretty lady I say I have . . she's called Grace (please don't ask how this happened because I really don't know!) Anyway the sales lady washes my hands and pulls out this fancy nail kit gizmo. She proceeds to polish my nails whilst we small talk. "What do you do for a living?" Again the I make it up not to look a prat, "Oh, I'm a writer!" "interesting" she says, "what do you write about?" and I reply "oh only History". The young lady (probably 25!) smiles and ask's me what my age is . . . "oh 23!" and then "what does your girlfriend do?" and I reply "oh she's in marketing". Again I'm hopelessly lost and putty in her hand as the lies flow. As she finishes polishing my nails (which now look like the manicured nails of a Turkish Bagshandi [Hooker in English!]) she asks me how long I've been with my girlfriend and do we live together, "oh around six months and yes we live together!" Again it feels like I've been taken over by a alter ego. She reply s to that "oh its still fresh! How lovely!"
To cut a long story short I end up buying some hand-cream that I will never intend to use (because I'm not a bloody pansy) and a snazzy nail polishing set. And no I'm not telling you the price I'm too ashamed of myself. Anyway this sales lady had such a memorizing effect that I walked off feeling as happy as a fox whose graduated from the University of Foxing-ton with a Masters in Cunning. The outrageous thing is that I feel happy because the lady wishes me good luck in a career that I don't have and hopes the girlfriend who doesn't exist is pleased with her little surprise!
I'm sort of in a state of shock! I thought I was good at shouting Bolshevik abuse at Capitalist pigs. But this women was good she made me make up a fake life so I bought her items. The worst thing is never did I feel angry at her for being a Capitalist Hoar. It felt perfectly natural!
(I was going to make this into one of those morsel's people say on facebook you know like "Oh pygmy, the vampire pain inside my heart is twisted into a gazillion pieces . . . I long for thy fangs to bite into my tender bossom of fleshy happiness!" but the ruddy thing would not fit . . . apparently you can only put 427 words up which is crap because one should put a whole 2000 word story up if one wants to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)"
To cut a long story short I end up buying some hand-cream that I will never intend to use (because I'm not a bloody pansy) and a snazzy nail polishing set. And no I'm not telling you the price I'm too ashamed of myself. Anyway this sales lady had such a memorizing effect that I walked off feeling as happy as a fox whose graduated from the University of Foxing-ton with a Masters in Cunning. The outrageous thing is that I feel happy because the lady wishes me good luck in a career that I don't have and hopes the girlfriend who doesn't exist is pleased with her little surprise!
I'm sort of in a state of shock! I thought I was good at shouting Bolshevik abuse at Capitalist pigs. But this women was good she made me make up a fake life so I bought her items. The worst thing is never did I feel angry at her for being a Capitalist Hoar. It felt perfectly natural!
(I was going to make this into one of those morsel's people say on facebook you know like "Oh pygmy, the vampire pain inside my heart is twisted into a gazillion pieces . . . I long for thy fangs to bite into my tender bossom of fleshy happiness!" but the ruddy thing would not fit . . . apparently you can only put 427 words up which is crap because one should put a whole 2000 word story up if one wants to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)"
"Captain Haddock and the sirens", bravo!
ReplyDeleteI feel that's what happened here...
ReplyDeleteOr he's an idiot. One of the two.